Introduction: Spotting the Hidden Narcissist

Covert narcissists are notoriously difficult to identify. Unlike the overt narcissist who openly boasts about their accomplishments, the covert type hides behind a mask of insecurity, shyness, or vulnerability. This subtlety makes them harder to spot, often leading you to realize you’re dealing with emotional abuse only after it’s underway. In this article, I’ll share six effective ways to uncover a covert narcissist’s true colors, helping you confirm what you may have suspected all along.

1. Ask for Empathy

One of the simplest ways to expose a covert narcissist is by asking for empathy. Of course, you won’t walk up and directly demand it. Instead, place yourself in a situation where you genuinely express your feelings or share a personal story, especially after the “love-bombing” phase has ended. During the early stages of the relationship, the narcissist might fake empathy to win your admiration. However, as the relationship progresses, their inability to care becomes more apparent.
When you share something that made you sad or stressed, pay attention to how they respond. A covert narcissist might do one of three things: interrupt you by turning the conversation back to themselves, look visibly bored or uninterested, or even start an argument by playing devil’s advocate. These reactions reveal their inability to empathize when they have nothing to gain.

2. Say “No” and Stick to It

Narcissists hate hearing the word “no.” One way to get them to show their true nature is by denying them something they want. It can be something as small as choosing a different restaurant for dinner or saying no to a favor. Even minor refusals can trigger a significant reaction from them.
You might witness adult tantrums, guilt-tripping, or passive-aggressive behavior. They will likely try to manipulate the situation to get their way. By observing how they react to a simple “no,” you can gauge how much they rely on control and manipulation to keep you compliant.

3. Ask About Their Ex

Narcissists often have a complicated relationship with their exes, and asking about past relationships can be very telling. A covert narcissist will usually offer one of two responses: either their ex was “crazy,” or they remain close friends with their ex. If they speak negatively about their past partner, it’s a sign that they are unable to take responsibility for the relationship’s failure. They’ll paint themselves as the victim and their ex as the villain.
On the other hand, if they describe their ex as a “best friend,” it likely means their ex still serves as a source of supply. In either case, how they talk about previous relationships can reveal their tendency to manipulate and control the narrative.

4. Push Their Buttons

Covert narcissists are often hypersensitive to criticism, and pushing their buttons can lead to explosive reactions. If you’ve been in a relationship with a covert narcissist for a while, you likely know their triggers. It could be something small, like questioning their competence or pointing out a minor flaw.
When you challenge their carefully constructed self-image, they may experience what’s known as a “narcissistic injury.” Their reaction will be completely disproportionate to the situation. They may fly into a rage or sulk for hours, making you wonder how such a minor comment could trigger such an intense response. This kind of overreaction is a clear sign that you’re dealing with a narcissist.

5. Ask About Something They’re Hiding

Narcissists are secretive by nature, often hiding things from their partners. If you know they’re concealing something, even if it’s trivial, gently bring it up in conversation. The covert narcissist will react defensively or become angry, especially if they feel their secret is in danger of being exposed.
Gaslighting often follows these interactions. They might deny, twist facts, or make you doubt your perception of reality. This is one of the clearest ways to see their true colors because it shows their inability to be honest and their reliance on manipulation to maintain control.

6. Give It Time

If you’re patient, the covert narcissist’s true colors will eventually reveal themselves without you having to do anything. Over time, their mask will slip, and you’ll see behaviors that can’t be hidden for long. It might be a moment when you need their support and they fail to offer it, or it could be a situation where they expose a lie or secret without realizing it.
Narcissists can only maintain their façade for so long before it crumbles under the pressure of everyday life. If you give the relationship enough time, you’ll witness their inability to maintain consistent empathy, honesty, and integrity.

Conclusion: Recognizing the Covert Narcissist

Unmasking a covert narcissist is never easy, but these six tips can help you identify their true nature. Whether it’s through subtle manipulation, a lack of empathy, or an explosive overreaction, their behavior will eventually reveal who they truly are. I’ve encountered many stories of people who’ve been in similar situations, and they all agree on one thing: patience and awareness are key. If you’re curious to learn more about this topic, check out this insightful video: Get a Covert Narcissist to Show His True Colors with These 6 Tips!.