Understanding Gaslighting: Types, Phases, and How to Handle It

Have you ever walked away from a conversation doubting your own reality? If so, you might have experienced gaslighting. Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic that leaves you questioning your perceptions. In this article, I will break down the two types of gaslighting, explain the phases of this emotional manipulation, and highlight common phrases gaslighters use. By the end, I will also share the most important tip for handling gaslighting.

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation technique that makes you question your reality, memories, and even your sanity. It’s a form of emotional abuse commonly used by toxic individuals. The most common trait among gaslighters is their ability to twist events, words, or actions to make you feel at fault. Gaslighting can happen in any relationship, be it romantic, familial, or professional.

The Two Types of Gaslighting

Interestingly, not all gaslighting is intentional. In fact, the first type of gaslighting is unintentional. This occurs when someone unknowingly downplays your emotions or experiences. For example, imagine a child who scrapes their knee, and a parent, with good intentions, says, “It’s not that bad, you’re fine.” Although the parent is trying to teach the child resilience, they are invalidating the child’s pain and making them question their experience. This type of gaslighting is not done maliciously but can still have long-lasting effects.
The second type is malicious gaslighting, and this is the more harmful form. In this case, the person intentionally manipulates the situation to gain control or power. This type of gaslighter is often aware of what they’re doing and uses their tactics to confuse, belittle, or dominate you. Emotional abusers use malicious gaslighting to control their victims, making them doubt their own reality and weakening their self-esteem.

The Three Phases of Gaslighting

According to psychoanalyst Robin Stern, there are three phases in a gaslighting relationship: disbelief, defense, and depression.

Phase 1: Disbelief

In the first phase, you might brush off the gaslighting behavior as a misunderstanding. You think, “They didn’t mean it that way,” or “Maybe I’m overreacting.” You are still somewhat confident in your version of events, but you start to wonder if you might be wrong.

Phase 2: Defense

As the gaslighting continues, you enter the defensive phase. Now, you begin to argue back. You defend your point of view, trying to reason with the gaslighter. You might say, “But I saw you do that,” or “I heard you say that.” Unfortunately, gaslighters are experts at denying facts and creating doubt, which leads to frustration.

Phase 3: Depression

The final phase is depression. By this point, the gaslighting has taken a toll on your self-esteem. You may start doubting your own memories, decisions, and even your worth. You feel confused, insecure, and emotionally drained, and at this stage, it’s crucial to seek help and set boundaries to protect your mental health.

Common Phrases Gaslighters Use

To recognize gaslighting, it’s important to know the phrases often used by gaslighters. Here are some common examples and their impacts:

1. “You’re too sensitive.”

This phrase is meant to dismiss your feelings and make you question whether you’re overreacting. While it’s true that people can sometimes be overly emotional, this phrase is often used to minimize valid concerns or emotions.

2. “I never said that.”

Gaslighters often deny their actions or words. This selective amnesia makes you question your memory, leaving you wondering if you truly misunderstood or misremembered something.

3. “You’re imagining things.”

This is a classic phrase used to make you doubt your perception of reality. When someone repeatedly tells you that your observations are inaccurate, you may start believing them.

4. “It’s all your fault.”

Gaslighters will often turn the blame onto you, regardless of the situation. If they were caught cheating or lying, they might say, “I wouldn’t have done that if you weren’t so [fill in the blank].” This shifts responsibility and leaves you feeling guilty for their actions.

5. “You’re broken.”

Emotional abusers love to make you feel inferior. They might say you have issues, that you’re emotionally unstable, or that you’re damaged from past experiences. This is designed to make you feel unworthy, weak, or dependent on them for validation.

How to Handle Gaslighting

So, how do you deal with gaslighting? The number one strategy is simple: walk away. The moment you recognize gaslighting in a conversation, disengage. Arguing with a gaslighter is a waste of time. They will not admit to their manipulation, and the more you engage, the more confused and emotionally drained you will become.
If possible, limit your interactions with gaslighters and set firm boundaries. If you must continue dealing with the person, such as in a professional or family setting, maintain emotional distance and remind yourself that their words are meant to manipulate, not reflect the truth.

Conclusion: Identifying and Protecting Yourself from Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a powerful and insidious form of emotional abuse, but by recognizing the signs, you can protect yourself from its harmful effects. Whether it’s unintentional or malicious, the impact of gaslighting can be significant. By understanding the phases and common phrases used by gaslighters, you can begin to defend yourself from their tactics.
If you’ve experienced gaslighting or are currently dealing with it, I hope this article has given you clarity and tools to handle these situations. For a more in-depth discussion on gaslighting and how to protect yourself, check out this video: GASLIGHTING TYPES, PHASES & PHRASES: Don’t Fall for These Gaslighting Tactics.
You are not alone, and with the right knowledge and support, you can reclaim your reality and self-worth.