Understanding the Trauma Bond

Healing from emotional abuse is a complicated journey filled with ups and downs. One day, you may feel free, only to be hit with a wave of memories the next, leaving you emotionally drained. This rollercoaster often occurs because of something called a trauma bond. The trauma bond is a psychological response to prolonged emotional abuse, where you feel tied to the abuser in ways that are difficult to explain or overcome.
In this article, we’ll explore what the trauma bond is and the six signs that indicate you may still be stuck in it. We’ll also discuss ways to move forward and heal.

What Is a Trauma Bond?

A trauma bond forms when someone is in a relationship with an emotionally abusive person. This bond is often the result of **intermittent reinforcement**, where moments of affection or love are followed by abuse. The victim’s brain gets hooked on this cycle of highs and lows, associating both love and pain with the abuser. The chemistry of cortisol (stress) and oxytocin (bonding) reinforces this attachment, making it incredibly difficult to leave the relationship—even when you know it’s toxic.
Now, let’s dive into the six signs that you might still be in a trauma bond.

1. You Still Hope the Narcissist Will Come Back

One of the most telling signs that you’re still in a trauma bond is if you hold hope that the narcissist will return. Even after recognizing the emotional abuse, a part of you may long for them to come back and make things right. This hope can fluctuate, with some days being better than others. However, if you frequently find yourself thinking about the possibility of rekindling the relationship, it’s likely you’re still emotionally tethered to the abuser.
Additionally, if you’re delaying significant life changes because of the narcissist—whether it’s moving to a new city or pursuing new opportunities—you’re subconsciously holding space for them. Recognizing this behavior is the first step toward healing.

2. You Keep Falling for Love-Bombing

Another clear sign of the trauma bond is that you’re still vulnerable to love-bombing. Love-bombing is when the narcissist returns, showering you with affection and attention, making you feel special and loved. It may come in the form of an ex reaching out, professing how much they miss you, or a family member trying to reconnect in an overly sweet manner.
If you’re tempted to believe these gestures are genuine, despite knowing the abusive cycle, it’s a sign that the trauma bond still has a grip on you. Narcissists often use love-bombing as a manipulation tool to regain control over their victims, which can make it even harder to break free.

3. You Make Excuses for the Narcissist

It’s common to make excuses for an abuser during the relationship, but if you’re still doing this after the relationship has ended, you’re likely still in the trauma bond. Many people struggle to label the abuse for what it truly is. Instead, they might downplay the abuse by rationalizing the narcissist’s behavior or blaming themselves for what happened.
Recognizing emotional abuse for what it is can be liberating. It allows you to stop taking responsibility for their behavior and begin focusing on your healing. But until you can acknowledge the abuse, the trauma bond keeps you tethered to the person who hurt you.

4. You Feel Spiritually or Energetically Tied to the Narcissist

Many people who identify as empaths feel spiritually or energetically tied to their abuser. This connection can persist long after the relationship ends. For example, you may have gone no-contact with the narcissist, yet a post on social media or even a fleeting thought about them can trigger emotional turmoil.
In some cases, you may find that when you think about the narcissist, they call or text you out of nowhere, almost as if they sense your thoughts. This ongoing emotional pull makes it feel like you’re still connected, even when you’ve cut ties physically. If you’re experiencing this, it’s essential to set an intention to emotionally detach and remind yourself that everything you need to heal is within you.

5. You Spend a Lot of Time Thinking About Them

Constantly replaying past events or injustices in your mind is another strong indicator that you’re still in the trauma bond. While it’s normal to reflect on past experiences during the healing process, dwelling on these thoughts to the point where they cause emotional distress is a sign that you haven’t fully broken free.
Your thoughts may feel like they’re running wild, pulling you back into memories of the relationship. Every time you think about these events, it feels as painful as if you were still living them. This emotional loop is part of the trauma bond, keeping you connected to the narcissist in an unhealthy way.

6. You’re Still Subscribed to Their Reality

Being subscribed to the narcissist’s reality means you have trouble seeing situations objectively. Even if something clearly unhealthy is happening in front of you, the trauma bond can make you view it through the lens the narcissist has shaped. You may dismiss obvious red flags or rationalize their behavior because you’re still emotionally invested in their version of events.
If you struggle to trust your own perception of reality, and instead see things the way the narcissist wants you to, it’s a strong indication that the trauma bond still exists.

How to Break Free and Heal

If you relate to any of these signs, don’t worry—you’re not alone. Many people who’ve experienced emotional abuse have struggled with the trauma bond, and breaking free is a process. The first step is to educate yourself about the dynamics of emotional abuse and trauma bonding. Understanding what’s happening to you is empowering and will help you make better decisions for your emotional well-being.
Another important step is surrounding yourself with supportive people who understand your experience. Healing is not a straight line, and everyone’s journey is different. But with time, awareness, and self-compassion, you can break free from the trauma bond and move forward toward a healthier future.
If you’re looking for more resources to help with your healing, you can check out this video: 6 Signs You’re in the Trauma Bond: What You Need to Know About Healing.